


Quiet

by SilkCut



Series: Snapshots [4]
Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: Acceptance, Belligerent Sexual Tension, Comfort?, Confessions, Denial, Frottage, Hurt, I LIKE WRITING PAINFUL STUFF I'M SO SORRY, M/M, Prompt-oriented, Regrets, will they won't they
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 10:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4518942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkCut/pseuds/SilkCut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it's wise to hold your peace because words are lies, lies, lies.</p><p>Watanuki knows this more than anyone. He has a knack for saying things he doesn't mean; and not saying the things he's supposed to mean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

  


 

**251: All Sorts of Complicated**

* * *

 

 

 

 

Doumeki's volunteer work at the nearby nursery wasn't exactly a secret but he also doesn't see the point of informing people about it, let alone seamlessly bring it up during casual conversation. That was until Kunogi happened to pass by said nursery yesterday and saw him playing with the children. Today she felt the need to mention it during lunch with Watanuki. Much to Doumeki's surprise, the other boy seemed to find the entire thing incredulous.

"A big dumb oaf like you is allowed to be around children?" came the hasty commentary as Watanuki shot him a glare. "That's like a twisted fairy-tale where the dragon is friends with his prey."

Doumeki just stared back blankly at him. Across him, he heard Kunogi chuckle and answer , "I don't think so. The kids look like they were having a good time. And you know what else?" she leaned in closer to Watanuki, widening her smile. "Doumeki-kun looked like he was having fun himself. He had a smile like this." To demonstrate, she pointed at her own mouth.

Doumeki watched Watanuki's own mouth flop open and then close and then open again as if it was suddenly defective and lost all its verbal purpose. He simply had no comment to offer. Doumeki decided to interrupt at this point. "If I frown they'd think I'm cross with them. I save the frowns for when they misbehave. In general, I have to smile."

Kunogi laughed at that. "I think it'd be wonderful if Doumeki-kun smiles around us too. Right, Watanuki-kun? Unless you're cross with us all the time…" she trailed off as if expecting him to disagree.

Doumeki didn't. He just shrugged his shoulders and took another bite of the dessert.

"Come now, don't be cross!" Kunogi persisted, grinning at him as if to encourage for him to do the same. Doumeki watched her for a few moments before he heard Watanuki say something about his face already being ugly and that a smile on it would hardly make a difference.

"I think Doumeki-kun is handsome though," Kunogi answered. "Other girls in school agree so I think it's just an established opinion of the majority." She glanced at Doumeki again and offered yet another smile.

Doumeki immediately had his index fingers inside his eardrums as Watanuki passionately countered with, "AND WHAT IS SO IMPRESSIVE WITH THIS ROCK FORMATION OF A MAN SITTING WITH US, HIMAWARI-CHAN?! MAJORITY'S OPINION MY ASS!"

"So, objectively speaking, Watanuki-kun doesn't think Doumeki-kun has a handsome face?"

"I DARE NOT REMARK MORE ON THIS JERK'S HIDEOUS LOOKS LEST I BE CRUEL!"

"Really?" Kunogi sounds endlessly amused. Doumeki wondered what got her in such a mood. She asked again. "I mean, really look at him, Watanuki-kun. Go on.."

Watanuki stopped spazzing for a moment and snapped his head towards Doumeki's direction. His mismatched eyes narrowed behind his glasses for a few seconds before he turned back to Kunogi and responded with the resolute confidence of a man who cannot be told otherwise. "No. I don't think he is handsome, objectively speaking. Subjectively, I find him completely devoid of any humanistic and captivating qualities that will make him what I would consider to be remotely 'good-looking'. He simply is not! Absolutely NOT!"

"Eh?" Kunogi sounded almost displeased. "You're hurting Doumeki-kun's feelings, you know."

"Not really," Doumeki readily replied. "That's just one idiot's inferior opinion anyway."

As Watanuki started fuming and screeching all over the place again, Kunogi managed to ask her next question. "And what about you, Doumeki-kun, do you think Watanuki-kun is handsome?"

Doumeki didn't even wait for Watanuki to stop howling a string of insults at him before he replied. "Yes, he's very cute."

He didn't even bother examining the other boy's features. He just gave his answer which seemed to infuriate Watanuki more.

"YOU CONDESCENDING DUMBASS!" he shouted. "I don't need that kind of dishonest compliment from the ugly likes of you!"

This time Doumeki turned around and said in all seriousness. "You are cute. Once the person gets passed all the prickly, noisy stuff and the blunders and small annoyances, that is."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING PRICKLY? DO I LOOK LIKE A CACTUS?"

"You're noisy," Doumeki moved his head away and covered his ears.

"I AM A PERFRCTLY WELL-ADJUSTED AND EVEN-TEMPERED HUMAN BEING WHILE YOU ARE A GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM!"

"Oh, you guys are such good friends."

Watanuki looked like he was going to cry. "Himawari-chan, we're really not. Please stop saying such horrible things!"

Kunogi just dismissed him with another bright smile as she announced, almost to herself, "We should drop by the nursery some time. Would that seem intrusive, Doumeki-kun?"

"No, go ahead if you want," Doumeki said as he finished the rest of the dessert with one last spoonful. He pointed at Watanuki and added. "Bring lunch when you do."

"GO DIE IN A BIG FIRE! WHO SAYS I WOULD BE THERE?"

"I'd like it if you come, Watanuki-kun."

"Then in that case, say no more, Himawari-chan!"

"Bring fried shrimp and some noodles."

"WHY ARE YOU NOT BURNING IN THE FIRE I TOLD YOU TO GO TO, YOU OFFENSIVE MORON?!"

 

**xXx**

 

Two days later Watanuki not only prepared a dozen well-cooked fried shrimps and some beautifully seasoned noodles, but he also baked a series of cupcakes with alternating colors of blue and pink frosting. Doumeki tried to grab one of them from the containers but Watanuki slapped his hand away and scolded him. "They're for the children, you monster!" and then he started giving each child a share of the sweets, smiling in that rare gentle way of his.

Doumeki just watched in the corner as the children scrambled to get to Watanuki and surround him, their tiny hands reaching as they cooed. Watanuki looked absolutely at home as he laughed and told the children that they were good and that this is their reward.

"You should come here again," Doumeki remarked as he walked towards Watanuki who just stood there with a blissful look on his face as the children munched on their desserts, their collective content and happy faces looking like something from a painting.

Watanuki's expression once again hardened as he turned to glare at Doumeki. "I made you your damn shrimp and noodles. Go somewhere else and eat them."

"They seem to have grown fond of you easily." Doumeki just kept talking, "which is not a surprise although giving sweets to children is pretty creepy, you know."

"You're the sick bastard for implying that my intentions are impure!" Watanuki moved slightly away from him.

"It was a joke."

"Riiight, because you're renowned for your sense of humor."

"You never shut up," Doumeki didn't look at him anymore.

Watanuki punched him on the shoulder. "Right back at you, dumbass! I can't believe Himawari-chan can't even make it today and now I'm stuck here with you! I wouldn't have come myself but then I would be wasting those cupcakes."

"Yeah, woe is you."

"I swear to all the gods, Doumeki--!"

"Come with me," Doumeki started walking out of the room, not bothering to look behind him. A few moments later, Watanuki was following after him with heavy steps, muttering something about kicking Doumeki in the face once they're in a children-free zone.

They're behind the nursery now where Doumeki was finishing up some wooden blocks which he meticulously chopped up into different shapes days before. He explained to Watanuki. "Instead of buying new ones, I decided to make them myself instead. The nursery has really old ones and they're only a few so children sometimes fight over them because others won't share. So I'm making as many of the blocks as possible so everyone can play." He walked over and picked up a block. "Better yet, they can all play together and no one will get left out. There are two or three of them who hardly mingle with the others. I was hoping they'd start making friends once everyone plays together. Did you notice those children in particular?"

Doumeki turned to look at Watanuki who was looking at him all this time with a dazed and melancholic expression Doumeki has only seen in those moments when Watanuki thinks no one is watching.

"Yeah, two boys and a girl." Watanuki answered, his voice soft. "The girl and that one boy didn't try to get cupcakes until I handed them some. The other one refused and just sulked in the corner. "

For some reason, Doumeki felt like sharing. "I didn't get along with other kids too when I was about their age. I was excluded in games because I used to have asthma back then and can't keep up with the boys with their rougher games."

Watanuki said nothing for a while as Doumeki settled down on the stool and started working on the unfinished few pieces of wood which can still be molded into new triangles or squares.

"Well, you know about the spirits," Watanuki finally responded. "Some kids are mean to me about it and tell me I was only making them up. So I stopped talking to those assholes altogether." He crossed his arms and snorted to emphasize his point.

Doumeki allowed himself to smirk. And then he asked. "Can you help me with these blocks? I need someone to paint them."

"Fine," Watanuki answered as he walked to the work station and grabbed his own stool. He inspected the plastic containers and the available assortment of colors inside them. He then picked up a brush and a circular block. "Any specific colors you want me to use?"

"Use only primary colors." Doumeki said, "Use the other colors to draw numbers and letters on them."

"English alphabet and numericals then?"

"Yeah. They can read those things a little. If you want to draw animals or flowers or whatever design, that's fine too."

"Okay!" Watanuki raised both arms up all of a sudden. "Watch the magnificent Watanuki-sama accomplish these tasks! Worship him later to show your gratitude!"

"Hubris is a real thing, you know" Doumeki droned but was smirking lightly to himself.

The next ten minutes was absolute peace as they worked on their respective tasks. Suddenly, Doumeki spoke up. It was just out of whim, really. Usually, he's more reticent than this but he can't help but point out the obvious.

"You know," he started.

"What?" Watanuki already sounds unwelcoming.

This did not deter Doumeki at all. He continued, staring at the piece of wood he'd been working on. "I would have been your friend. I wouldn't care about spirits and whether or not you're lying about them. I'd still befriend you."

For the first time, there was only real, uncomfortable silence that followed. Doumeki had to risk a glance to see the effect of his revelation on the other boy.

Watanuki held the brush away from the block, and all his movements are in an abrupt pose as if he was suspended in time. Doumeki has never seen him this still or quiet before. He realized that it was much better for him when Watanuki screams or hurls insults at him than have him openly stare at him like this. Now Doumeki feels suddenly nervous and self-conscious because of the other boy's unflinching and bare scrutiny.

After what seemed like ages, Watanuki looked away and muttered. "I didn't know you had asthma growing up."

Doumeki was more than eager to change topics and replied. "That's because I just told you."

"Yeah, okay." And then Watanuki said nothing after that. Doumeki was more than fine to leave the other boy with his own thoughts while he concentrated on the last batch of wood pieces.

 

**xXx**

 

Doumeki is a stupid, stupid man and who, as Watanuki found out earlier today, has an unspoken death wish.

Watanuki kept thinking about what a fool and a careless moron he is as he walked back to Yuuko's store by himself that late afternoon. Why would he say such a stupid, stupid thing? So what if he has the natural repellent against spirits? He didn't even know about it until Yuuko inform him about it. So to say that, if they ever met as kids, Doumeki will ignore precaution and basic survival instinct all so he can be friends with someone like Watanuki? That's just arrogance.

Watanuki truly, deeply and completely despises that damn Doumeki after all. He should have told him off earlier. He should have replied that he would never have accepted his hypothetical friendship if they ever met in the past. Watanuki should have told him he hated his guts.

He should have said. "Go away. You don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Just look at what I stole from you over the last few months. Half your eyesight. Huge amounts of your blood...and heaven knows what else if you don't leave me alone."

Watanuki kicked a rock on the road and went on with his inner rant. He should have said. "I'm no good for the likes of you. I'm cursed. Stop treating me like a charity case. I don't need you. And I have absolutely nothing to give back."

He should have told Doumeki that he doesn't want to be friends. But instead, like a coward, Watanuki opted to keep quiet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It occurred to Doumeki that perhaps the best way to communicate with the other boy is non-verbal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gets a bit gritty.

 

 

**235: And the Edges Blur**

* * *

 

 

 

 

The two of them were back at the nursery the next day. Watanuki had made a good amount of ramen filled with three kinds of seafood and some pecan pie for the children who were ecstatic about the free food in a way that even rivals Doumeku's enthusiasm for Watanuki's culinary achievements (or a lack thereof, outwardly speaking). Doumeki wondered what Yuuko thinks about her part-timer two-timing her with his sudden interest and investment with the nursery. Of course she must have known about it and he supposed Yuuko doesn't mind as long as there wouldn't be a conflict in schedule, especially when it concerns Watanuki's many errands to the liquor store or whatnot.  
  
As the children ate and mingled among themselves with their teacher (a kindly man who also happens to be the nursery's owner) and his daughter who is only a few years younger than Doumeki and Watanuki themselves, the two boys in question retreated to the work station to finish the wooden toy blocks. In the next half hour or so, both of them worked silently, taking turns painting each block with numbers, letters and designs. There was a comfortable peace between them at this moment, which would have been odd if it wasn't for the undeniable fact that Doumeki found it a nice change of pace. He didn't comment on it and it proved to be a wise choice since Watanuki in return was completely in his best behavior. He didn't bemoan Kunogi's absence or shout demeaning remarks at Doumeki in general. They just sat there, focused on the task at hand, without the need to exchange words unless only when necessary. It occurred to Doumeki that perhaps the best way to communicate with the other boy is non-verbal.  
  
Doumeki made them black tea as they waited for the paint to dry so they can work on the other sides of the blocks. Watanuki broke the silence only to ask him if he put peppermint on the tea to which Doumeki affirmed. Watanuki commented that it was a good choice as he took a sip. And that was it. They spent the next ten minutes enjoying their cups of tea as they stared forward across the yard where a garden of sunflowers lay, with their tender petals spread happily towards the sky, soaking in the light. Doumeki fixed his gaze intently on them and fairly guessed that Watanuki must now be daydreaming about the girl with the flower's namesake. And yet the other boy didn't bring up Kunogi, not even once today. Doumeki would have been shocked if he wasn't so consumed with the welcome tranquility of his current company. Perhaps it's possible to stay this way with Watanuki for more days to come…as long as Doumeki holds up to his given name and keep silent.  
  
A few more minutes passed before Watanuki spoke up again.  
  
"So, at school," he began.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Himawari-chan mentioned a fellow archer in your club."  
  
Oh. Does he really want to talk about that? But it's such a lovely day and Doumeki didn't want to have such a pointless conversation.  
  
Doumeki risked a glance and found Watanuki just staring at his tea. His face was inscrutable as he went on. "It's not any of my business but…isn't she, like, one of your closet friends?"  
  
Doumeki measured his words as he answered with a question of his own. "And you know this how?"  
  
Watanuki shrugged his shoulders. "Himawari-chan mentioned it. Look, it's not like I wanted to know about your private stuff but she started telling me about…you know what, forget it." He sipped his tea again and said nothing anymore.  
  
Doumeki watched him for a while, wondering what to say. It's not like he expected to talk about this with Watanuki especially when the other boy has been so keen to deny that they even have a friendship so personal matters are not usually up for discussion between them. So why did he bring it up? Doumeki decided that he should be as delicate about this as possible. The wrong word could send Watanuki into one of his exaggerated outrage and normally that would be fun to watch, but this is a rather sensitive subject and Doumeki doesn't want to involve Watanuki who often does not deal with surprises maturely.  
  
"She and I have known each other way back," he explained. "We are friends and recently she told me that her feelings have grown to be more than platonic towards me and she asked if we could explore the possibility of the two of us becoming something more."  
  
Watanuki was so quiet right now that it was unnerving but Doumeki ignored it and went on. "I didn't refuse her at first because I care about her but a few days later I finally gave her a straight answer, and that answer is a rejection. She took it well enough but asked to spend some time away from me to avoid the awkwardness of it all."  
  
"Awkwardness?" Watanuki flinched away as if the phrasing offended him to a small degree. "You crappy idiot. I think you broke her heart."  
  
Doumeki surprised himself when he replied, "I know."  
  
The other boy pushed his glasses back to bridge of his nose with an irritated sigh. "I don't really get it but girls just fall all over you. It would have been different if it was just some freshman whom you never spoke a word to. It would make sense for you to turn down someone like that. But this is someone you care about, so why didn't you just give it a shot and see where it goes? Maybe in time you will learn to love her back…or something." Watanuki now looked away, turning his head away from Doumeki's view. "Again, this is really none of my business."  
  
Doumeki couldn't help but ask. "Why do you think I should have accepted her confession and went out with her?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't care. We're done talking about this."  
  
But Doumeki didn't falter. He felt like he was scratching the surface of something that he is entitled to know about.  
  
"Since you took such a sudden interest in my social life," he asked, trying to sound calm about it but he might have been sneering. "Would you care to explain why you thought my decision was wrong?"  
  
Watanuki snapped his head back towards him, eyes narrowing in both annoyance and contemplation. He slammed the empty cup on the table; not hard enough to break it but loud enough to make his point.  
  
"Forget it, Doumeki."  
  
"No."  
  
Watanuki now wrenched himself away from where he firmly sat, standing up to look down at Doumeki. "Shut up. I said I don't want to talk about it anymore."  
  
Doumeki stayed seated but he was beginning to lose patience too. He shot back. "Yes, you do. You want to know why I rejected her. You're confused as to why I won't start a relationship with a girl I had at least some affection for. You can't wrap your head around the fact that it's never always easy when it comes to whether or not you want to become more than just a friend to someone. You're probably wondering if it's because I'm already interested in someone else, perhaps in your precious Himawari-chan."  
  
Mentioning Kunogi like that shocked Watanuki, judging by the way his eyes widened and the way he sputtered out his next question. "A-And a-are you interested in her?"  
  
"No," came his quick reply. "And neither is she interested in you."  
  
That was wrong. It was also very cruel. Doumeki regretted it almost instantly. Watanuki went numb in the face and then his mouth twisted into a sneer and he grabbed Doumeki by his collar and spat out the words, "You have no right to speak for what Himawari-chan feels, you insenstive bastard." He almost dragged Doumeki upwards by force but the other boy was bigger so he resisted.  
  
Watanuki's eyes darkened and he looked almost frightening. "If your intention is to make me feel like an utter fool for pining over her when it's obvious she had never me looked at me that way, not even when I found out about her curse so she won't have a reason to hide from me anymore…I know she doesn't feel that way about me so congratulations for being so goddamn perceptive!"  
  
Watanuki's grip loosened and now he looked near tears as he continued. "And maybe she never will. But I want to be her friend. I want to be a part of her life! And you have no right to tell me to feel otherwise! You…" he removed his clutches from Doumeki's collar and shouted. "You really must be dead inside to say something so awful to me especially when…yesterday, you…"  
  
No, no, no…Doumeki felt his chest tighten, making it hard to speak and fix the damage before him.  
  
"You liar!" Watanuki was taking a few steps back away from him now, looking at him with tear-stained eyes. "Good thing I didn't believe you for a second! God, I hate you so much! I seriously want to puke in your feet right now because of how much you're making me sick, claiming to be my friend when you're an enemy in disguise after all, intent on hurting me."  
  
Wait, where is this suddenly coming from? The cold shock of those baffling and destructive accusations shook Doumeki into action. He sprung forward to Watanuki who defensively tried to punch him. But Doumeki had quicker reflexes and was able to grab his wrist and pull him slightly close. Watanuki was going to say something again but Doumeki immediately silenced him by saying, "It was because of you." His tone was harsh. He held onto Watanuki tight enough to leave a bruise but he didn't care.  
  
"I turned her down because being in a relationship with her meant spending time away from you and I will never forgive myself if you got into trouble and I wasn't there to stop it. I told you I made a choice. I killed that spirit woman for you. I offered you half my sight. I gave you my blood. I would do all those things again if it keeps you from disappearing." Doumeki grabbed Watanuki's other wrist and can no longer stop the deluge from flooding. He was going to keep going but Watanuki interjected.  
  
"Don't turn me into an excuse to stop living your life!" Watanuki squirmed from Doumeki's clutches but to no avail.  
  
"YOU are my life!"  
  
"Oh, shut up, Doumeki!" Watanuki was pulling his arms away from him with all that he's got. "Stop lying! Stop tricking me with your deception! I don't know why you're so insistent on dedicating your life into saving me as if I'm your only purpose for existing!"  
  
"And maybe you are." Doumeki pulled him closer again and Watanuki gasped when their faces almost bumped against one another. "You and I…it's fate. It's inevitable."  
  
"Don't…"  
  
"I admit I was never good at any of it, and I might be a little on the extreme side but," Doumeki was losing fire, slowly caving in the madness and vulnerability of his own words. "But I do love you, Kimihiro…"  
  
Watanuki let out what sounded like a whimper, the kind that one makes when they feel all their energy extinguish abruptly. He looked at Doumeki with a broken helplessness, no longer bothering with a coherent reply. He just stared into Doumeki's eyes and stopped struggling. Tears stained his cheeks as he breathed loudly from his slightly parted lips.  
  
"I love you." Doumeki repeated but his own voice sounded distant and unfamiliar to his ears.  
  
He edged closer, threatening to close the final space between him and his object of desire. Watanuki stayed perfectly still.  
  
Doumeki must have whispered the words again one last time as his mouth enveloped Watanuki's. There was no gentle coaxing of lips parting for each other. Doumeki was simply a dying man quenching his thirst. And then he felt Watanuki pressing himself almost painfully against him, as if trying to suffocate him. He darted his own tongue like an assault inside Doumeki's mouth, stabbing him with malicious intent, smothering his breaths. Doumeki held the other boy's head with strong, demanding fingers almost leaving dents on the skull. Watanuki had his own hands under Doumeki's black top, angrily pushing the digits into his ribcage as if hoping to rip his heart out from inside the enclosure and squeeze.  
  
Watanuki was dragging him and Doumeki followed blindly, refusing to open his eyes the entire time. He heard the sounds of wood clattering behind him. Watanuki clutched at his collar again, clawing at his neck until the buttons gave way. He might as well have taken a chunk of flesh as he bit on a tendon.  
  
With his sanity slipping, Doumeki switched their places with purposeful violence, slamming the other boy on the counter as he began to rut against him, their crotches hardening with the contact. Doumeki pushed Watanuki completely up the surface edge of the table with a hard thrust upwards of his hips. Watanuki gasped and then dug his fingernails on Doumeki's scalp as they both held each other in place while they began the sadistic dance of their torso clashing against one another. The tempo increased with every sharp thrust, sending their bodies to fit and adjust into the most perfect and delicious angles.  
  
Doumeki palmed Watanuki's crotch with one hand and clutched him at his nape with the other. Watanuki mirrored his actions, scraping his nails on the fabric of the other boy's pants as he squeezed the pulsating cock beneath. The entire moment was driven by pure, brutal instinct. Neither of them said a word nor uttered a single sound, not when their mouths were clamped shut together, tongues dueling in sporadic motions. Only the noises of wood hitting against cement filled the rest of the conversation.  
  
There was a gasp from the corner where the walls meet. Doumeki reacted fast enough and disentangled himself from the mess of limbs and heat. His sight adjusted as he moved his head slowly to acknowledge the person standing right across from them, dreading for either the teacher or his daughter to be the one who stumbled upon this upsetting obscenity.  
  
But it was neither. There was only Kunogi.  
  
She stared at Doumeki with a face devoid of color but not of clarity and understanding from what was laid bare before her . She didn't even look at Watanuki. She just stepped back and took off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watanuki thought about Himawari's warmth against his body, imagining her arms on him right now as he lay there unbuttoning his uniform with his other hand. He imagined tasting her lips but the fantasy only left him hollow. 
> 
> And it's all Doumeki's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets worse before it gets better.

 

 

**458: Another Fine Mess**

* * *

 

 

 

 

Two things happen all at once in the aftermath.  
  
One, Doumeki chases after Kunogi much to his utter bafflement.  
  
Two, Watanuki collapses to his knees on the ground and starts to gag, sick to his stomach.  
  
Doumeki should have stayed with Watanuki and not run after a girl he barely gives a damn about in the first place. But somehow he felt guilty enough to try and convince himself otherwise.  
  
Watanuki should have gone after Himawari, should have picked himself up properly and not wobble around, clutching at the corners of the table beside him in a weak attempt to stay vertical. But somehow he felt ashamed enough to keep stalling otherwise.  
  
Doumeki reaches Kunogi as soon as she turned a corner a few yards away from the gate of the nursery. He wraps his fingers around her wrist hesitantly, hoping she'd turn to look at him but she stubbornly hid her face from view.  
  
Watanuki hurls the empty cups of tea across the yard and they landed on the garden soil which, weirdly enough, cushioned any impact that could have broken them. He turns to look at the unfinished pieces of wooden blocks littering the table before he ends up on his knees again, conveniently out of breath.  
  
When Kunogi does turn, her eyes barely focused on Doumeki. She looked right behind him and Doumeki surmised she must have expected for Watanuki himself to come after her. That only worsened his guilt.  
  
Once Watanuki finally succeeds in shuffling his feet in an action that resembles walking, he begins to hesitate yet again. He could still taste Doumeki on his mouth, could still feel the other boy's detestable tongue on the very tip of his own. Watanuki closed his eyes, trying to breathe, but the remnants of Doumeki's mighty fingers across his clothed yet shivering flesh haunted him from where he stood, cutting off his air supply. He cursed Doumeki inwardly and kept walking.  
  
It was Kunogi who spoke up first with that fake smile in place. "You don't have to apologize for anything," she says.  
  
Doumeki eyed her sternly as he let her go. "Why do you think I have something to apologize for?" he challenged her.  
  
Watanuki's ears are still ringing from Doumeki's rude and disgusting confession of love. The damn phrase kept echoing in his mind like a persistent last song syndrome that is beginning to cause him a mild migraine. He assures himself that nothing has changed; he still hates Doumeki. He felt absolutely no pleasure being in that savage's rough arms before, felt absolutely no discernible longing whatsoever to be wrapped inside that asshole's embrace again, smothered by yet another abusive and unwanted saliva-soaked kiss. Gods, he really hates that fucking Doumeki! He needs to walk faster now to make sure he wasn't spreading slanderous lies to Himawari.  
  
Kunogi wasn't smiling anymore. Well, good. Doumeki could use some authenticity from her just this once. The scenario begs for it even. She was looking at him with an expression that's akin to anger though not quite there yet. He waits for it to come.  
  
Watanuki was almost at the gate. He composed himself and hardened his resolve but didn't really have the words to explain to Himawari why such a horrific and traumatic thing even occurred. Perhaps punching Doumeki in front of her is the right course of action. It will send a message. And that message would be: "I don't want him. You're the one my heart calls to."  
  
Outside the nursery, two strangers exchanged an honest dialogue.  
  
"Did you force yourself on him?" was her first question.  
  
"No," was his ready response.  
  
"I want to believe you, I really do," Kunogi replied, her eyes hardening. "But I know enough about Watanuki-kun to suspect that he never would have allowed any of that to happen earlier."  
  
Doumeki took a step closer to her, maintaining eye contact. "And yet he responded differently from what you perceived."  
  
"Because he was in a bad place," Kunogi also took a step forward. "And I think you took advantage of that which is disappointing because that's not the Doumeki I know."  
  
"And what do you know?"  
  
"You are also in a bad place after that conflict with Kikuchi-san."  
  
Doumeki snorted. "You should have minded your own business. If you did, you would have kept your mouth shut around Watanuki."  
  
"I am taking responsibility for that because I admit I had ulterior motives for informing Watanuki-kun about it," Kunogi smirked sourly now which was probably the most genuine expression Doumeki had ever seen in her face. "I suppose I wanted to gauge his reaction."  
  
"And what reaction would that be?"  
  
Watanuki saw the two of them standing in the middle of the vacant street. They were having a conversation. He could tell even from this distance that it wasn't a cordial one. He walked towards them.  
  
"He cares about you but remains oblivious to it because everything that you have done for him has been overwhelming enough to make him second guess the true nature of your feelings altogether. And also because he thinks himself incapable of caring too deeply," Kunogi looked almost sad as she lowered her gaze to the ground. "He was born with a burden you will never understand. But I do. I know how it is to doubt what I see and even what I feel because it's easier to be on your guard because you're afraid to get close enough to hope, only to watch that same hope get dashed time and time again."  
  
"Kunogi.." Doumeki didn't know how to comfort her although he wants to so he furtively tries to take her hand.  
  
But Kunogi just shook her head and continued. "Be careful about Watanuki-kun. I know you think simply protecting him from outside danger is enough but your failure would lie more on your incapability from stopping him from contemplations of self-harm. And I don't mean the physical."  
  
"Then what do you mean?"  
  
"I think that he's been so used to the darkness that he has learned to see better in that state than face the light and risk getting blinded from it." Kunogi was smiling that fake smile again but it had a tinge of despair to it that almost scared him. "He'd choose it over any chance of happiness because it's easier--because he thinks he deserves it."  
  
_You've been doing the same thing too, haven't you?_ Doumeki thought as he saw the ironically sunflowered name girl clearly for the first time. _You don't think you deserve to be loved._  
  
"Himawari-chan!" Watanuki successfully reached them, gasping for breath as he bent down to put his palms on his knees. He looked at the girl in question with pleading eyes and opened his mouth to speak of justification and apologies but was interrupted instead.  
  
"It's not worth the discussion, Watanuki-kun."  
  
Watanuki straightened himseld up. "I don't want you to misunderstand what you saw--"  
  
Himawari was smiling kindly. "No, I didn't."  
  
Watanuki gave her a helpless look. "Please," he implored but didn't say anything after that.  
  
Himawari stared at him for a few moments, unsmiling. And then she walked over and placed him in an embrace which made him freeze. Her arms were locked around his shoulders as she tiptoed slighly to reach him. Emptying his thoughts, Watanuki pulled her closer to him and shut his eyes, inhaling her scent, committing this all to memory.  
  
She disengaged and looked into his eyes. Her sunny smile was back. "There's nothing to talk about, okay?"  
  
Watanuki just nodded, dumbfounded and unsettled.  
  
"So see you both at lunch tomorrow?" she asked, sounding very eager.  
  
"Actually--"  
  
"Archery practice," Doumeki remarked. Both of them turned to look at him but Watanuki tore his gaze away first.  
  
Kunogi opened her mouth to say something but Doumeki silenced her by adding, "I'm going to talk to Kikuchi again. Perhaps I was too haste with my decision."  
  
"Oh," was all that Kunogi could offer.  
  
Doumeki glanced at the other boy who continued to stubbornly look at anywhere else but at him.  
  
"Sorry about earlier," he curtly apologized. "Won't happen again."  
  
Doumeki started heading back to the nursery, not bothering to look at them again as he called out. "You guys go right ahead. I need to finish up with some errands. I'll just see you guys when I see you."

  
**xXx**

  
It was almost dark when Watanuki reached the shop. He barely said a word; not to Mokona or the two girls, not even to Yuuko herself. Surprisingly enough, Yuuko hardly said anything back either which led Watanuki to believe that she might have known what happened. He didn't try to ask her about it and she offered nothing in return. He simply worked on her dinner as quickly and as efficiently as he could and then fetched the finest bottle of red wine she could indulge in.  
  
The shop's muted atmosphere further worsened Watanuki's melancholy which he couldn't shake off no matter how hard he tried. From the corner of his eye, he could tell Yuuko watched him like a rattlesnake hidden within the blades of grass, only that she never struck. She just lay there, confined in her luxurious silks which hang loose in some places, languidly puffing out her smoke with one hand and sipping her wine with the other. Her eyes followed Watanuki into every corner he went that after awhile Watanuki could even feel her gaze even when he's behind the safety of a wall.  
  
An hour later, he told her he was going home and she simply made Mugetsu appear from thin air. The pipe-fox circled around Watanuki's neck, its warm fur a comforting touch of protection. He patted its tiny head as he bid Yuuko to enjoy the rest of her night. The smile he got from her was the most inscrutable yet. It looked like an attempt of a smile but was hardly sincere enough to come across as one.  
  
Watanuki ignored it and put on back his shoes and picked up his bag from the corner. Still petting Mugetsu, he walked out of the shop and into the bright clearing of the streets.  
  
At his apartment, Watanuki collapsed on his bed, imprinting his face into the pillow. Mugetsu has snaked around his left wrist this time, probably falling asleep. The weight of him there made Watanuki think about Doumeki. He had clutched him earlier as if he was merely his property. He never felt less like a person. He became something else entirely under the heat and dominance of the other boy and it had been almost enough to drive him to insanity. Watanuki squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to forget but the events that happened played like a film reel in his mind. On one hand, Watanuki despised what they had done; what Doumeki made him do. On the other, he felt some sort of power and satisfaction from giving in to that utter act of self-annihilation. If Himawari never arrived, Watanuki would have let Doumeki stripped him off his clothing and… _fuck_ him senseless on the table like some...some… _whore_.  
  
He turned violently on his back to stare at the ceiling. Luckily, Mugetsu didn't stir from his slumber. Watanuki thought about Himawari's warmth against his body, imagining her arms on him right now as he lay there unbuttoning his uniform with his other hand. He imagined tasting her lips but the fantasy only left him hollow.  
  
And it's all Doumeki's fault.  
  
Filled with rage, Watanuki jerked up from his bed and tried to calm down. Once he was composed enough, he gently poked the pipe-fox and asked it if he could be alone right now but promised to beckon it right back once he's all sorted out. Obediently, Mugetsu unfurled itself around his wrist and floated up the air before it disappeared.  
  
_That Doumeki_.  
  
Without wasting another second, Watanuki unbuckled his pants.  
  
_That damn Doumeki._  
  
He reached down and gave his cock a hard and almost painful squeeze.  
  
_That goddamn Doumeki_.  
  
Watanuki began stroking himself.  
  
_That selfish, stupid, inconsiderate, unfeeling, sadistic, lying son of a bitch! Bastard! Condescending, self-righteous jerk! I wish he's here right now. I wish I can choke him with my bare hands…_  
  
_…bite his lips and his neck until he's bleeding._  
  
_…rub myself all over him until he's screaming._  
  
_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_  
  
_Oh god._  
  
_Oh yes, oh no, oh fuck.._  
  
_God, please, no…_  
  
_…YES! FUCK YES!!_  
  
Watanuki slammed his back against the bed and recoiled from the completion of this heinous act. He had bit his lower lip so hard to keep himself from making noises that there was enough blood and impression which he knows will leave a discernible cut the next day.  
  
_Fucking Doumeki_!  
  
His hips shuddered as he rode the last few moments of his sickening orgasm whose evidence was beginning to cool on his palm, sticking to his fingers and soiling his boxers.  
  
_Doumeki, you hateful, stupid man!_  
  
**He made a choice. He didn't want you to disappear…**  
  
He could hear Yuuko echoing the words at the back of his head.  
  
**You two are such good friends** , chimed in Himawari.  
  
Watanuki turned to his side and covered his eyes with a hand.  
  
**…your bond will deepen, only if you allow it.**  
  
**You and I,** Doumeki tightened his grip on his wrists and whispered..  
  
**..it's fate**.  
  
"Don't…" Watanuki could feel the tears leaking out.  
  
**But I do love you, Kimihiro.**  
  
**I love you...**  
  
**I love you.**  
  
"Why can't I forget the taste of you?" Watanuki muttered under his breath as he sobbed out as quietly as he could manage.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His chest constricted. He was familiar with the feeling. Caught between the state of shock and panic, he wanted to ask her, 'is it possible to love as much as you fear something?'

 

 

 

**324: The Tattered, the Torn**

* * *

 

 

 

 

Watanuki didn't bother cooking and preparing bento meals for three people that day. He knew Doumeki meant what he said--that he would stay away, and provide Watanuki with the space he clearly deserves so he can process the damage; to recuperate from the clusterfuck that he and Doumeki committed together and was witnessed by Himawari herself. Watanuki, naive as he is, readily expected for normalcy to be restored but found that their trio going to lunches together has been so reinforced in their school routine that it might as well have been ingrained in their DNA. As relieved as Watanuki was that Douemki could not join them, the tension was unbearable when it was only just him and Himawari sitting together that afternoon in the same spot they shared for over a year now.

The agreement of never mentioning what Watanuki and Doumeki had done behind the nursery building hovered above him and Himawari as they ate their meals, barely exchanging complete sentences enough to form a smooth and spontaneous conversation. Watanuki could even taste the shame in his food and felt nauseated instantly. Himawari smiled and talked enough for the both of them, but there were dreaded breaks in their already awkward chats that are bound to happen at anytime and Watanuki has never been so terrified by the silence in his life before even if it only lasted for brief seconds in between her minced words.

So, lunch was horrific.

He arrived to the shop hours after that, ignoring Maro and Moro's warm welcome as he headed straight to the storage room, hoping to start spring cleaning earlier just to get his mind distracted while his hands work. Yuuko was already by the doorway, fanning herself while sipping a glass of martini from her other hand.

"Glad to see you became sober enough to fix your own drink," he remarked dryly as he passed her, entering the room to turn on the light switch. "Self-service is the best kind of service, I find."

"Oh, I know you're well-acquainted with 'self-service' yourself," she jeered. "Aren't you?"

Something about her tone and implication made him snap his head toward her and narrow his eyes. That evil witch. She couldn't have known about that, could she? First of all, that would be an extreme level of paranoia on his part to suspect her clairvoyance would deliberately invade his privacy like that. Secondly, ewwww.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a creepy, sick woman?"

"No way. I'm absolutely a delight."

"Yeah, a ray of fucking sunshine, all right."

"Language!" Mokona jumped at his face and stayed stuck there for a good ten seconds as Watanuki struggled to get him off, almost tripping on the girls as they dance around him, chanting.

"Language! Language! Watanuki said a bad word!"

He could hear Yuuko's vodka-soaked cackle in the background.

So, work was horrific too.

Watanuki arrived at his apartment just as the sky was still a warm hue of orange and pink (which Watanuki was fixated by as he walked the empty streets). Mugetsu was wrapped around his neck loosely. The creature has been accompanying him now that Doumeki wasn't around. As soon as he opened the door, Watanuki didn't bother taking off his shoes as he collapsed on the sheets, breathing in and out their clean scent. He tossed and turned on his mattress for a while as Mugetsu roamed all over his body; it circled around any part it could manage to hold onto and Watanuki honestly didn't mind it. It was comforting as if he had actual arms wrapped around him, providing him warmth. Suddenly overcome by affectionate mood, he started to run his hand on Mugetsu's slim and long furry limb as they lay there in bed together. Mugetsu was making noises Watanuki hasn't heard before, but he could surmised that the pipe-fox was merely enjoying the attention. Watanuki felt bold and uncaring all at once so he leaned close and kissed its small face.

In eager response, Mugetsu kissed him back on his cheeks, nose and even his eyelids. Watanuki felt rather ticklish but allowed himself to laugh. If there were other people watching, he never would have let them seen this playful side of him especially towards...his pet?

"You're not exactly a domesticated animal, are you?" Watanuki sat up and took Mugetsu's face in his left hand, gazing into its tiny beads of eyes. "But if you ask me, I think you're cuter than a dozen litter of kittens and puppies combined!" He raised it up and laughed after proclaiming that and then Mugetsu slid down his arm and wriggled its way inside Watanuki's shirt.

"Don't you tell Yuuko anything!" Watanuki is shaking violently now as Mugetsu explored his body, running its fur all over his skin that the motion is giving him goosebumps. After a minute he was able to fish the creature out of his clothing and they continue to wrestle as they rolled around the bed. Watanuki forgot about feeling foolish; he was having a good time and that was new but not entirely unwelcome.

"I'm going to bake something!" Watanuki suddenly announced to no one but himself as he stared up the ceiling with Mugetsu now wrapped around his shoulder. "I still have some leftover flour from my work in the nursery school. I could make a cake for you and me. Would you like that?" he pressed his nose against Mugetsu's in an uncharacteristic gesture of affection. He closed his eyes and added. "I can go out and buy decorative stuff for the cake too, maybe even try my hand on making fondant. You'll take care of me in case stupid spirits chase me down, right?" He knew Mugetsu would. The creature is a formidale protective spirit and Watanuki is quite confident in its power.

"To the grocery store we go!" Watanuki pulled himself up from the bed. He grabbed the wallet from his bag and started humming to himself as he walked to his door and locked it behind him. Now draped around his neck, Mugetsu must be cooing; the sound it emitted this time was close to melodious. The two of them began to leave the building with Watanuki still humming and even skipping on his step a bit. His change of mood is inexplicable (who knew cuddling with an animal can be relaxing?) but he was determined to make sure that the rest of his night won't be so horrific anymore.

 

**xXx**

 

He didn't expect to see Doumeki so soon, and on his way back from the grocery store at that. It almost made him instantly angry.

The boy in question was standing near the entrance of a coffee shop. He must have just finished his archery practice. Watanuki wondered what he was doing there, just standing around like a stupid idiot with that sickeningly neutral expression on his face. Even from a safe distance Watanuki noticed that the collar of his uniform was open, exposing his throat and that infuriated him somehow. _Was he hot? It's fucking cold outside so why the hell would he--_

_No, no, it doesn't concern me._

And yet he stayed rooted on the spot where he is now, glaring at the other boy, curious as to what he was doing just standing outside a shop, not seeming to do anything but watch some of the people who walked by. Is he waiting for his friends? Watanuki could recall seeing Doumeki with boys from his class once or twice in those rare moments when Doumeki actually does have a life outside his temple duties and whatever the hell his deal was whenever he hangs around Watanuki.

Yeah, that could be it. Doumeki promised to stay away from Watanuki and he is keeping the end of his bargain quite well. Watanuki should just go on with his life in the same manner.

His feet started moving again and he would have kept going and refuse to acknowledge the other boy, but for some reason Watanuki couldn't ignore the unpleasantness brewing in his gut, urging him to walk over there and give the bastard a piece of his mind. But say what exactly? Risk making a scene in public just to humiliate Doumeki? Would it be worth it? What would that accomplish? It will never undo what has transpired between them anyway. Doumeki still kissed him like a monster the other day. He had his body pressed up against Watanuki's as he violated him. And worst of all, Watanuki allowed it…prolonged it…enjoyed it, even--

No, he can't talk to Doumeki now. He can't even look at him without remembering the awful, wonderful, unforgivable ways the other boy played his body like an instrument and produced sensations Watanuki would rather forget forever…especially his taste--

He squeezed his eyes shut as the prickling memory of Doumeki's mouth began to resurface again, making him swallow hard. Watanuki instinctively searched for Mugetsu from inside the shopping bag where the creature stayed hidden. He felt its warm fur in his fingertips and focused on that instead. After several seconds, Watanuki regained control, withdrew his hand and began walking to the opposite direction again.

That was when he heard someone calling Doumeki. He turned sharply around and saw three guys running towards the boy in question. So Watanuki was right after all. He slowed down his steps until he came to a complete stop, fixing his gaze on the scene from across the street. The guys were chattering loudly though Watanuki can't make out exactly what they were saying. One of them had an arm around Doumeki, laughing at something the other guy said to him. Doumeki seemed comfortable about all of it. There was a smirk on his face that Watanuki couldn't stop staring at. Is it possible that Doumeki is a different person when around normalcy? Is he happier and even talkative when in the company of ordinary people who are not covered head to toe with issues or cursed with the paranormal sight?

Watanuki should be walking away now. He shouldn't have to torture himself with something he knew all along .

Before he could move again, Doumeki's gaze found him there on the other side of the street. For a moment they just looked at each other, both pretending as if they were unable to recognize the person standing from across them. Of course, Watanuki looked away first. He shoved his hand back inside the shopping bag to hold onto Mugetsu. The pipe-fox, sensing his distress, twirled itself around his arm and squeezed. Watanuki was thankful for that gesture of reassurance.

He found himself inside Yuuko's shop for some reason. He didn't try to put up a fight. Instead he went straight to the kitchen and prepared the ingredients for his cake and fondant. Good thing there were still some eggs in the pantry. Watanuki set aside the confusing emotions swirling in his chest and focused on the task at hand. Baking requires more focus and precision and trying to make fondant for the first time had been difficult enough to accomplish that it kept him preoccupied for the rest of the night. It was only when Yuuko appeared by the kitchen's doorway that he finally turned around from the grueling process so he could acknowledge her presence.

He was about to open his mouth to ask if she'd like the cake paired with whatever alcohol of her choice but then Yuuko spoke up first.

"Once I told you that words have power," she said, her willowy body pressed against the edge of the door frame. The long and dark skin-tight gown accentuated the paleness of the rest of her, rendering everything else that surrounded her lifeless and dull. Sometimes Watanuki allows himself to admire her mysterious beauty and something about doing it makes him sad. It's probably because he knows he could never figure her out, and once in a while he had the distinct feeling that maybe Yuuko was hoping secretly that he could be the one to unravel all the secrets to her nature. What if he fails? Would she still want him then?

When their eyes touch like this--when their gazes linger for more than either of them is comfortable with--Watanuki can't help but question everything in his life, in this plane of existence, and where he fits in all of it; why it aches to not know.

He hates not knowing that most of all.

"What about it?" he asked, cautious of her all of a sudden. He tried to keep himself steady as he listened to her answers.

"That names are incantations and wishes are spells, but only if they serve the purpose we intend them for." She leaned away from the door frame now and eyed him carefully. All traces of the usual blank stupor in her face disperse when her focus on him intensifies like this. "When spoken, words can fill the rest of the gaps where emotions themselves occupy sparsely. In speaking out comes the ability to claim, to deny, to lie or to bare the truth."

"O…kay." Watanuki had no other words at his disposal right now. When Yuuko talks like this, he has learned not to interrupt or argue.

"Do you want to try it?"

Watanuki inclined his head to the side. He now faced Yuuko, abandoning his work for a while because he could tell that whatever lesson she is imparting at this moment is more important.

"Try what, Yuuko-san?"

"Give yourself to the words inside you that you have yet to claim," she walked towards him in a languid pace. The distance between them was short but she made it look as if she had been far away from him all this time. It was only when her fingertips graze his chin that he realized that this is as close as they could ever be.

That, too, deeply saddens him.

"Give yourself to them," she almost whispered as she leaned her face close to his, her left hand cupping his chin lightly, completely imprisoning him with her bare scrutiny. "Give yourself and leave nothing behind..."

Watanuki found himself leaning closer as if being called to by an unknown force that seeps into his pores. His eyes now half-closed, he breathed out, trying to form the words in his tongue as they jumble and knot together inside his mind.

Yuuko pulled gently and slowly away, relinquishing her hold on him.

"Do you see?" she asked. "Words can have any power you desire them to have as long as you believe they can influence and have an effect."

"Right." Watanuki replied. His chest constricted. He was familiar with the feeling. Caught between the state of shock and panic, he wanted to ask her, _'is it possible to love as much as you fear something?'_

He wanted to tell her, _'because I think that is how I'm falling for you'_ but realized he is scared to know if it will make any sense even if admitted this aloud in front of her.

"Watanuki?" Yuuko watched him, her expression still grim and utterly indecipherable.

He wanted to say, ' _Please stay as ageless and unchanging as you are.'_

Watanuki opened his mouth, hearing the words he wanted her to know so clear in his head by now.

_'There are days that I'd catch you alone in a corner with a look that says you are tired. Would you grow tired of me too? Would you leave me when that happens?'_

But he said nothing, nothing at all. He kept his damn mouth shut, sealing away whatever deluge is threatening to pour out and drown him. Watanuki tried to smile at her.

"I'm making buttercream and vanilla," he turned his back from her. "What type of drink do you think matches with that?"

But Yuuko was already walking away. Watanuki was relieved. He would rather have her disappointed in him than have her knowing the truth of what he couldn't accept himself.

 

**xXx**

 

Two days later, Doumeki approached Watanuki after gym class. Watanuki was the designated assistant referee for basketball practice and tryouts, a job he apparently took seriously since it happened to have an equivalent performance grade. Doumeki had time to watch him in action and he was quite effective, even making a few girls inquire about him, commenting he's cute in that awkward, vaguely pissed off, bespectacled sort of way. Doumeki himself had smirked at the accuracy of their observation and compliments.

"That's the friend you and Kunogi-san have lunch with, right?" Kikuchi asked beside him.

He turned to her and said. "Yeah, that's him."

She smiled and nodded, and then she looked at Watanuki from across the court again. "Is Kunogi-san going out with him?"

Doumeki tried not to stutter a reply. It was an annoying question. "Not that I know of. They're friendly enough though."

"She's so pretty and he's not bad-looking himself." Kikuchi let out a giggle. "He's lucky if Kunogi-san likes the glasses type."

"He's an excellent cook. I can eat anything he prepares." He answered out of blue. He just didn't like her reducing Watanuki into a stereotype.

"Really? No wonder you'd rather have lunch with them." She placed her arm around his and grinned.

"Yeah," he simply said. He felt Kikuchi tightening her hold on his arm in a show of affection. He blinked at her but didn't pull away. Instead he looked across the court again and immediately caught Watanuki looking in his direction. Of course, the other boy tore his gaze away and focused his attention back to the game he is refereeing.

Later on, he excused himself from Kikuchi's company and followed Watanuki as the other boy headed for the locker room. Doumeki waited outside until he got himself sorted out. Five minutes later, Watanuki stepped out, buttoning up the collar of his uniform. Doumeki noticed that Mugetsu was peeping out from the collar before Watanuki said something to it, and it promptly lowered its head from sight as it slinks back inside Watanuki's clothing.

Doumeki wasted no more time and started walking towards him. Watanuki didn't notice him until he spoke up. "You might have to carry the pipe-fox for a while."

Watanuki's eyes unbelievably hardened as they made contact with Doumeki's. "What does that even mean?"

"I have an upcoming two-day tournament outside the school. And there's a camp trip I need to attend too."

"Fine," Watanuki was already in the process of walking out of this conversation. "Now, go away."

Doumeki interjected. "The children have been asking where you are. Is it possible for you to stop by the nursery?"

Watanuki narrowed his eyes at him. The light bouncing off his glasses made his overall countenance look harsh. "This isn't some sort of ploy to get me alone with you again, is it?"

"I would be lying if I said it wasn't," Doumeki admitted and before Watanuki could say anything else, he continued to explain. "But not for the reasons you think. Look, Watanuki. I'm sorry for…taking advantage of you. I shouldn't have forced myself on you that day."

He lowered his eyes and sighed, pausing to gather more courage. He looked up and was prepared to keep apologizing but then Watanuki suddenly seized him by the arm and was pulling him to the direction of the school gate. "Come on," he demanded. "I have some errands to run for Yuuko-san so I can't stay long at the nursery. So hurry up!"

As they walked together, Doumeki looked at the hand gripping into his arm and then at the back of Watanuki's head, at loss for words.

After what seemed like the longest trip of his life, Doumeki was relieved to hear Watanuki speak. "Listen to me because I'm only going to say it once: I don't hate you, Doumeki. But whatever is going on between us has to stop." To make his point, he let Doumeki go and faced him as they stood there in the middle of the street. "It was a mistake from the very start. I would like for us to go back to the way we were before we got grossly involved with that…misconduct."

Doumeki nodded, almost numbly. "I understand."

"Well, I hope I am being perfectly clear about this." Watanuki crossed his arms. "In a way, it's a good thing you'll be gone for a while. Also, these past few days of not being around you has taught me a great deal." He paused and looked at Doumeki straight in the eye. His tone was cold but not entirely dismissive. "I think you've been an indispensable reason for my survival. You have been of help to me. I am grateful. But don't make our association into something it simply cannot be, okay? I don't want that."

"I understand," Doumeki could hardly hear himself speak.

"Stop looking so miserable about it!"

"You know how I feel," Doumeki said, holding his ground. He could feel his hands clenching into fists on his sides. "I told you in more ways than one. I showed you…granted it was in a damaging way. But you're right," he sighed and added. "Ultimately, what we have shouldn't be twisted into something neither of us can recognize anymore." Feeling bold, Doumeki took a step closer.

"All I ever wanted," he took three more steps, "is to be your friend."

Watanuki watched him for what seemed like forever before he answered. "And you are. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're not at all important to me."

"Thanks," Doumeki replied. "I have felt that way once or twice."

"Yeah, sorry." Watanuki looked almost abashed. He uncrossed his arms and kept his eyes downcast. "It was…you and I--we just always...you know…rub each other the wrong way.

Before he could stop himself, Doumeki replied with "interesting choice of phrase."

For a moment Watanuki had no reaction. A few seconds later he realized the implication and blushed so deeply that Doumeki was tempted to do something about it. Almost.

"Don't even joke about that! ARE YOU INSANE?!" Watanuki started flapping his arms wildly about.

So...back to this again.

"By the way," Doumeki measured his next words as he relaxed his fists. "I know you saw me with that girl earlier. That was Kikuchi, the friend you asked me about."

Watanuki calmed down and looked off as he grunted a reply and said. "I figured as much."

"I decided to follow your advice." Doumeki's mouth felt like it belonged to someone else as he spoke. "I asked her to go out on a date with me yesterday. It went well enough."

"That's good," Watanuki was walking again but he waited a bit for Doumeki to catch up. "You should just see where things will take both of you, you know. People can date in high school and then start a relationship. It's normal." He paused to look at Doumeki. "And you're normal so…there you go."

Doumeki could hear what Watanuki refused to say in that statement. He was saying, _'God, you're lucky to be normal.'_ Doumeki felt guilty all of a sudden.

"You should ask out Kunogi," he suggested without meaning to.

"Maybe," Watanuki shrugged, fixing his eyes on the road before them. "But not right now. I got a lot on my plate. I haven't mentioned this before but Yuuko-san has been acting strangely these days, much more than usual. It's making me worry."

"I'm sure she'd tell you if anything is wrong."

"Don't be an idiot. It's like you've never met Yuuko-san."

"She cares about you and always tells you the truth once she thinks it's the right time. So you're the idiot."

"STOP CALLING ME AN IDIOT, YOU IDIOT!"

"Here we are," Doumeki announced as they neared a corner where they could cross and get to the nursery. "Could you maybe hold off the tantrum fits? We tell the children that losing your temper over irrational things make you stupid."

"You don't actually tell them that, do you?!"

"No need to." Doumeki smirked. "You're about to show them."

"YOU SELFISH, CONDESCENDING, IRRITATING--"

"Watanuki-kun! Doumeki-kun!"

"Himawari-chaaan!~ I'm so happy you're visiting too!"

"Don't run. You'll trip."

"Go jump off a cliff!"

 

**xXx**

 

It was almost dark when they were finally walking together to Yuuko's shop. Kunogi decided to stay at the nursery for awhile and urged them to go without her. They conceded.

After they crossed a street, Doumeki decided to try again.

"Hey," he began.

Watanuki turned his head. "Yeah?"

"Before we go back to the way things were, can I ask you for something?"

"What?" Watanuki now eyed him suspiciously.

Deciding to be direct about it, "I want you to let me kiss you again."

Watanuki shook his head and increased the speed of his walk.

"Once," Doumeki caught up to him and reassured him. "And never again."

"Fuck, Doumeki!" Watanuki made a sharp turn and shoved Doumeki on the chest. He then irritably rubbed his face with his palm, trying to hide the crimson rising in his cheeks once more. "What did I tell you about--"

"Once," Doumeki was walking closer. "And never again. I promise."

Watanuki removed his hand from his face. "Is that supposed to comfort me? The fact that you're making a promise?"

"Please," Doumeki said as he stopped inches away from Watanuki who, in spite of his verbal protestations, didn't make an attempt to move away or push Doumeki away. "I need some kind of…closure."

"And words don't suffice?"

"Words have power," Doumeki said and noticed the way Watanuki's face darkened upon that offhand comment. He decided to press on anyway. "But actions testify."

Watanuki said nothing for the next minute or so; just stared at Doumeki as if he is seeing him through a haze. Doumeki leaned closer. If Watanuki flinches then he will stop. But Watanuki just stood there, impressively unmoving. It was only when Doumeki kissed him that he came to life again. The meeting of their mouths was an electric shock but more potent, and it lasted longer than either of them intended. When it was over, it still felt like it was over too soon. Doumeki has lost the ability to breathe properly forever and Watanuki has refused to open his eyes since it ended.

Doumeki cupped both his cheeks and asked, his voice low and shaking. "Are you sure you want to go back?"

Watanuki wasn't saying anything. Doumeki asked again. "Do you really just want to be friends and nothing more?"

"Yes," Watanuki said. "Nothing more."

"Liar," Doumeki held him by the shoulders now. "Why can't you just…" he trailed off and decided to kiss Watanuki again, to kiss him over and over until he tells the truth. The other boy kissed back each time but something about the way he kept his palms against Doumeki's chest told him he was not intending to stay in his arms for good. So once they both pulled away, Watanuki was already pushing him gently until they were separated again by an unseen barrier.

"Words have power," Watanuki slowly opened his eyes. In a tentative gesture, he put a weak hand on the side of Doumeki's face and said, "but not enough to fill the rest."

"The rest of what?" Doumeki clutched the hand on his face, refusing to let it go.

But Watanuki wrenched himself away completely from his grasp. "Of everything that matters," he said.

 

**xXx**

 

Watanuki said everything he believed must be said when Doumeki asked him questions, but not the things that mattered in that moment--the things he actually felt, ones so complete and consummate that they shortened his breaths.

When Doumeki told him about the Kikuchi girl, he was supposed to say, _'Don't…'_

_'Don't date her.'_

_'Because you're in love with me, aren't you?'_

A question with an answer he had only known once Doumeki kissed him for the second time.

Once, he promised, and never again.

There are words Watanuki just couldn't bring himself to speak, words that never left his mouth and in turn voided his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a bipolar chapter. Only one last to go.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doumeki should have spoken up then. 
> 
> He should have told Watanuki he had his heart in his hand and he gave it back, all bloody and broke.

 

 

 

**490: When Tomorrows Run Out**

* * *

 

 

 

 

After that, things were as normal as they could get.  
  
Watanuki didn't feel he had to avoid Doumeki anymore. In fact, he made a conscious decision to occasionally visit him in the nursery and wait for him during archery practice. Doumeki never commented about this, except for the stray mumbles of gratitude over the bentos Watanuki prepared with more compliance this time. The comfortable non-definitive closeness they shared was an acceptable effect of whatever misunderstanding they had in the past which Watanuki was more than okay to leave behind. He was confident about his choice. He was glad Doumeki respected that decision and had been dating the Kikuchi girl for almost two weeks. Watanuki felt great about that development. It would seem that sometimes inaction on his part has its benefits and he's reaping them right now. He should be happy.  
  
Well, "happy" would be an insensitive way to characterize it.  
  
He knew he broke Doumeki's heart after all, and he could never forgive himself for that. But that's just going to be his price to pay.  
  
He remembered what Yuuko told him once; how some people can wish for both happiness or unhappiness for themselves, that if one wished it badly enough, the universe would work on that person's favor and grant it. Watanuki read the same thing somewhere in a book. It's called a self-fulfilling prophesy.  
  
He wasn't sure why he has been thinking about that for a while since he decided to keep things friendly with Doumeki. He knew he made the right decision. And everything has been pleasant between the two of them even. They haven't had arguments over small things. Watanuki stopped feeling like screaming Doumeki's ears off. And Doumeki--well, he stopped being always there all the damn time. He's been going on dates, hanging out with a few friends after school if he's not at the nursery, and basically just having a life. That made Watanuki feel somewhat less guilty, like he's finally free and no longer an accessory to a personal crime. If Doumeki was serious about what he said back then that he's ready to give up a normal life just to be in Watanuki's life in return, then it was generous of Watanuki to put a stop to that nonsense social suicide.  
  
Well, "generous" isn't something he feels comfortable enough to call it, nor is charity. Still, some days Watanuki felt like he is only doing Doumeki a favor and as long as he convinced himself that, it was easier to look at Doumeki and ignore that pesky slight tightness on his chest. For his part, Doumeki barely looked back at him. His grunted response and stilted speech were characteristic of him, sure, being the oaf that he is, but Watanuki can't help but feel as if he was purposefully choosing not to communicate clearly. But Watanuki refused to let that bother him. Doumeki is Doumeki. And he is still who he is. No annoying confession of love or accidental sexual encounter should change the status quo between them.  
  
Let bygones be bygones and and all that. Watanuki was adamant to keep things simple and less involved between them from now on.  
  
Never mind that on those rare moments he does allow himself to think about it, an uncomfortable pressure at the pit of his stomach would settle, and Watanuki was sorely tempted to go to Yuuko's shop and ask to forget…forget Doumeki and forget the look of pained desperation on his face after their last kiss.  
  
Never mind all that.  
  
Watanuki was confident that he chose the right thing. He really was.

 

  
  
**xXx**

  
  
  
  
On their third date, Kikuchi kissed him.  
  
Doumeki knew he should have reacted better but he only managed a half-hearted response. He couldn't even remember holding her, or leaning closer for better access. It felt like he just stood there and let it happened. He most likely did, but when Kikuchi pulled away, she looked almost pleased, and then she wrapped her arms around his neck, so there was no other choice but to hold onto her back. They stayed like that for a few minutes and in those torturous long seconds Doumeki thought about the future. He thought about how his relationship with her might eventually work out for the best. He imagined introducing her to his family, what his mother would say, and if he could propose to her and get married to her. He thought about what their children would be like, and where to send them to school, and what it might be like to grow old with her, one of his close friends since middle school; a smart and caring woman whom he can actually have conversations with--  
  
\--and he felt nothing.  
  
He could try to be happy with her, and he had no doubt that she will be able to do that down the road if their relationship continues. But right now as he he held her with both arms and listened as she breathed against his chest, Doumeki felt nothing. When he kissed her, he thought about kissing her for the rest of his life and he felt so empty about it. But Kikuchi would make a fine mate for him. He knew everyone who knew they were together thought the same thing. He knew it too. She would be the perfect bride and wife.  
  
But Doumeki did not want her because ultimately she wasn't Kimihiro Watanuki.  
  
So when they kissed for a second time that afternoon, Doumeki felt like he was going to die right there. It's because it was when he realized that his heart after all was truly broken now. He couldn't love her with that. And he certainly couldn't not love Watanuki still even though he was the reason it broke in the first place.

 

  
**xXx**

 

  
  
  
There is too much noise in the kitchen. Mokona hasn't stopped jumping around and trying to get a taste of everything even though Watanuki insisted that none of the food was ready yet. Maro and Moro kept pestering him with their synchronized echolalia and persistent hands grabbing him from everywhere as he dashed about the limited space. And Yuuko stood there, drunk and barely comprehensible as she demanded for more sake even when the bottle was right beside her and she could just pour herself another drink.  
  
But Watanuki was not discouraged. No one is going to ruin this day for him.  
  
"Are you sure she knew that it's an official date?" Yuuko asked for the sixth time over the last hour.  
  
"I was clear about it," Watanuki yet again answered.  
  
"And Himawari-chan said that she would go out on a date with you which you proposed two days ago?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"An actual, proper date between two people who like each other?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"A date between two people who might even have deep feelings of attraction and desire for one another?"  
  
"Please don't ever say 'desire' with that scandalous implication."  
  
"But you're hoping there would be lots of kissing, yes?"  
  
"I AM NOT DISCUSSING THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE."  
  
Watanuki almost burned his hand as he stirred the pot, remembering to put on a glove at the last second before he touched the sizzling container. He looked behind him to shoot Yuuko a glare. "And I told you I will have your lunch ready as soon as I'm done with Himawari's, didn't I? So please go away, Yuuko-san."  
  
"Why?" Yuuko was now drinking from the bottle. "Am I getting in the way?"  
  
"Yes! And would you kindly close your robe? NOW, PLEASE?!"  
  
"Oh-ho-ho, it amuses me how more polite you get with me the more you get flustered just because I'm showing a little skin."  
  
Now Watanuki whirled around to face her, wringing his hands on the air. "A little? A LITTLE?!" he started pointing at her state of near-undress. "Normally you would have some more lace than that. You're practically in a two-piece bikini, for heaven's sake!"  
  
"Does Watanuki-kun prefer me in more lace?"  
  
"More lace! More lace!" the two girls circled him like sharks on water . "Watanuki likes more lace in the mistress!"  
  
"Watanuki is a pervert!" Mokona joined in, hopping closer to land on Watanuki's head.  
  
"I'm a goddamn minor and this is sexual harassment in the workplace!"  
  
"Perverts don't get protection!" Mokona danced on his head, causing his bangs to reach his eyes.  
  
"Mr. Pervert! Mr. Pervert likes more lace! And has no protection!"  
  
"EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN NOW!"  
  
A good twenty minutes passed before Watanuki could finish his chores and the bento he prepared for himself and Himawari. He made sure he slammed the door behind him as loud as he could so that damn Yuuko would get the idea how pissed he was about her behavior earlier.  
  
"Honestly!" he complained aloud as he walked the street, carrying the heavy jubako with both hands. "I do everything for her except bathe her--" he shivered and went momentarily numb all over as the thought crossed his mind. "And she still treats me like crap by unnecessarily trying to wind me up like some toy!"  
  
He will never, ever understand Yuuko Ichihara.  
  
Wasn't it only some weeks ago that she told him some serious stuff about the importance of words and the meanings people attach to them? Watanuki slowed his steps as he recalled that conversation again. Yuuko warned him about miscommunication and the outcomes they produce, and yet in an irritating ironic twist it always felt as if the two of them don't understand each other at all and therefore her messages to him get muddled anyway. He'd like to believe he can fully decipher all her words because he knew they were spoken only to guide him about his struggles. He knew Yuuko must have known all this time what has happened between Watanuki and Doumeki, and simply extended wisdom to aid Watanuki in his choice. But now only nagging doubt stayed behind where Yuuko's wise advice has taken shape before it disappeared. Watanuki felt more confused about his situation but more so when he thought about the roles Yuuko has played in his melodrama with Doumeki. She spoke about the bond between the two boys as an inevitable development and persisted so many times for Watanuki to deepen that bond.  
  
That could only mean that she knew before it even happened. She knew Doumeki would profess love and that Watanuki would have to make up his mind whether or not to return the affection. But reciprocating feelings is too difficult especially when Watanuki doesn't want anything to change so drastically between himself and Doumeki. That left him feeling guilty. And now he tried to make up for it by at least attempting friendship with the other boy. It was a compensation he felt Doumeki is entitled to. He has sacrificed so much. Watanuki wanted to keep him around not just out of habit but because he believed he and Doumeki could never completely stay away from each other. There was a pull between them, reeling each other in one constant place and that place should not be filled with the pressures or dangers of absolutes.  
  
The same could be said of Yuuko although theirs is a far more complex puzzle that he may have given up solving a long time ago.  
  
This pensive contemplation was mercifully interrupted by the sight of Himawari waiting for him in the corner of a sidewalk. She beamed at him, dark hair glistening under the sun. Watanuki waved at her enthusiastically and hurried his steps to reach her.  
  
"Thank you for coming, Himawari-chan!"  
  
"Well, I couldn’t just say 'no' to a date with you, Watanuki-kun!" she grinned, and the corner of her eyes crinkled when she did. She also chuckled when she saw him immediately get flustered. She asked gently, "Am I mistaken? This is a date, right?"  
  
"O-Oh y-yes!" Watanuki gripped the jubako against him as he responded. "That's why I'm very grateful."  
  
"That's absurd," Himawari waved him off. "I want to be here. I want to spend this day with you."  
  
Tentatively, she offered her hand. Watanuki blinked at it as if it was a mirage. Himawari's smile faltered just a bit with his hesitation but then he took her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze in fear she might change her mind. He swallowed a lump in his throat and said, "I'd like to spend an entire day with you too."  
  
Himawari nodded, smiling again, and still holding his hand, she began to walk. Watanuki followed her lead, comforted by the touch of her palm on his. Her fingers were warm and soft and she is just so beautiful. Watanuki can't believe he is really doing it. He's going out on a date with Himawari. Suddenly all the problems he had with Doumeki and his concerns about Yuuko's behavior didn't matter. It made no difference to him if Himawari has brought nothing but misfortune in people's lives either. Watanuki can't give a damn about that now.  
  
_'Maybe',_ he thought in silence as he still grasped Himawari's hand on his, _'Maybe I'll kiss her later. Would that be too forward? Would she kiss back or push me off?'_  
  
He gave her a cautious glance.  
  
_'Well, I wouldn’t know unless I tried.'_  
  
Himawari looked back at him and smiled again, giving his hand another squeeze which emboldened him.  
  
_'I guess I have to try. I'm tired of being governed by fear.'_  


**xXx**

  
  
  
  
But it was on their second date next month that Watanuki finally got to kiss her.

On the cheek.  


****xXx** **

 

  
  
  
They sat by the porch of her house that late afternoon. Kikuchi was sitting a bit farther away from him than usual. She looked ahead at the slowly darkening sky, and frowned deeply which could only mean trouble. Doumeki had known her since they were twelve. He should have been already familiar with her, but it was only seven months into their relationship that allowed him to read her much better, most probably because being her lover has gained him a unique advantage in anticipating her actions and moods.  
  
"Honestly," she finally acknowledged him. "What is Kunogi's problem? I know she's your friend because you're in the council together. But what a passive aggressive bitch!"  
  
He reached out to her. "What did she do?"  
  
Kikuchi just glared at him but didn't pull away when his arm wrapped around her shoulder. "Everyone thinks she's so nice and accommodating but I always get the feeling she's faking it with me this entire time." She paused, narrowing her gaze at him. And then she asked, "Were you together with her before?"  
  
"You know I've only dated you," he answered calmly.  
  
"So what is her problem? Doesn't she have a boyfriend?" Kikuchi reached from her pocket to light up a cigarette. She took a puff and went on, "or maybe the rumors are right and they broke up too soon. Don't you know him? He used to make you bento, right? And the three of you would sit at lunch before? Do you know what's up with them?"  
  
It was surreal to hear an outside party characterized the friendship he used to share with those two in a callous manner. But he shrugged it off and replied, "We haven't hang out as a group in ages."  
  
"She's a terrible person, that one," Kikuchi proclaimed. "You definitely should limit your interactions with her even during council meetings."  
  
He took the cigarette from her so he could smoke it. He leaned close to her and tightened his embrace to appease her. "I don’t have anything to say outside council work to Kunogi anyway…"  
  
That seemed to make her feel better, judging by the way she snuggled close to him.  
  
Doumeki would like to believe he had been a perfectly competent boyfriend. They never had arguments or any of those cliché fights about nothing like most couples their age. Kikuchi was secure with him as much as he was with her. And the sex was good; it steadily became more enjoyable for him once Doumeki decided to fully commit to her and to put her first above all…  
  
…including Watanuki.  
  
In fact, he hasn't talked to the guy in four months. It was an odd progression at first until it became a natural habit to live a separate life from a person he was once so deeply in love with. Yuuko had also stopped contacting him about running errands that lean on the supernatural, and he just assumed that the pipe-fox was enough protection for Watanuki. He heard Tsuyuri has been accompanying him in his stead and he trusted that she was capable enough. The last time he tried to help Watanuki about a paranormal quandary was around the same time he decided he will devote himself to Kikuchi once and for all. It was when Watanuki acted more haughtily than usual, and dismissed his aid in anger. Under normal circumstances, Doumeki never would have taken offense. But somehow he snapped. He understood, in a searing moment of clarity, that Watanuki's rejection of his feelings was nothing but cowardice--and it was all so unfair. Doumeki loved him with everything he's got and Watanuki chose to deny that he felt the same.  
  
Things have never been the same since they kissed. Even with the knowledge that they could have been more together was insufficient because things were never going to change; not with Watanuki's refusal to admit what Doumeki means to him. So now things got worse from there, and no amount of half-hearted attempts for a second chance, and some bullshit courtesy could fix it.  
  
Doumeki should have spoken up then. He should have told Watanuki that he was a horrible person for trying to appease his guilt through faking friendship with him. He should have told Watanuki he had his heart in his hand and he gave it back, all bloody and broke.  
  
Instead he walked away. If Watanuki wanted to disappear so badly then so be it, but Doumeki would not watch that as it happens. It was foolish for him to think Watanuki was worth sacrificing his young life for. He was foolish to let that go on to the point that Watanuki began to think he was entitled to Doumeki. Or perhaps that was only what Doumeki thought. Not this time.  
  
This time he decided that it will be him who has to disappear from that ungrateful bastard's life.  
  
Doumeki sat there holding Kikuchi and smoking the cigarette. He was still haunted by Kunogi told him once about Watanuki.  
  
_'I think that he's been so used to the darkness that he has learned to see better in that state than face the light and risk getting blinded from it.'_  
  
_'He'd choose it over any chance of happiness because it's easier--because he thinks he deserves it.'_  


 

**xXx**

 

  
  
Three days later, Doumeki received the most puzzling vision on his left eye. He knew it was what Watanuki was seeing now, wherever he is now, and it unnerved Doumeki. It has been months and a seemingly different lifetime ago since they were connected this way. His self-righteous anger made it so easy to forget that there remained a bond that tied his consciousness with the other boy's; that they still carry the same burden of having half an eyesight. It became so easy to choose to forget that Doumeki, without any kind of hesitation, has given him a great amount of his blood before just so Watanuki could live, and that he did these things because it was Watanuki he chose to share himself with. He is and will always be the only one.  
  
It was easy. He wanted to forget how painful it had all been, their separation, so he chose to pretend that he wasn't in love with Watanuki anymore. For a time with Kikuchi he was able to convince himself with his own deception. But receiving that vision right now has undone whatever conditioning he put himself under. Doumeki ran to Yuuko's shop in an instant, and each heavy step threatened to dismantle his heart from its core with the fear that something terrible has happened, and that he may be too late to stop it.  
  
When he arrived, Watanuki had his back turned, staring at his glasses for what seemed like for hours before he put them back on. Somehow he knew it was Doumeki standing there behind him, gasping for breath with his trembling heart stuck in his throat as he tried to speak.  
  
But Watanuki broke the silence first. "She's gone, Doumeki."  
  
"Yuuko-san," he stepped inside the room. He still had his shoes on. He hadn't bothered taking them off upon entry. It didn't matter now, did it?  
  
"I want nothing more than to see her again," Watanuki was still not looking at him.  
  
All Doumeki could think about is that it has been months, four grueling months, since he last saw his face. He was suddenly afraid he might have forgotten about it.  
  
It was stupid because the moment Watanuki turned around, he looked just about the same, only sadder. Much sadder than the first time Doumeki laid his eyes on him during that drizzling afternoon. That image will stay with him forever; Watanuki cradling a dead cat, contemplating the solitude of his coming demise. Doumeki thought he will remember that moment most vividly than the rest of his life.  
  
Until now.  
  
Now, it was this: Watanuki wrapped in Yuuko's silks, the kimono draped around him tinged with luminence in spite the dark patterns; he looked directly at Doumeki--through him--deep within him, as he said, "I will take over the shop."  
  
_Fair enough_. Doumeki nodded gravely and asked, "You're going to balance your work here with school?"  
  
"No," Watanuki's response was soft but firm. "I can never leave the shop."  
  
The rational part of his brain didn't understand but his body responded as if it knew exactly what that entailed. His face felt like crumbling but he steadied himself as he listened to the rest of the words that came.  
  
"I'm bound to stay here and probably will wait a long time until I'm reunited with Yuuko-san again."  
  
Doumeki just stood there, clenching his fists despite himself. Watanuki walked closer, his bare feet barely audible on the wooden floor.  
  
"I'm sorry for every pain I have caused you," he was saying, "and for how we ended things months ago. For a while, I was scared and confused about you, and about what it meant being friends with you. I couldn't do it. I know I said it's all we could ever be but I was...not sure if I wanted you in my life," he smiled but the sadness only got stronger when he did, "and here you are now. I suppose I brought you here, didn't I?" He raised his fingers over his left eye, its color the same shade as Doumeki's.  
  
He moved the same fingers over Doumeki's left eye and continued speaking, "I think it's your choice now, if you want to be in my life. You can walk away again and I will never blame you for it. I've done and said so many hurtful things to you, and the worse of it all are probably the things I never got to say or do."  
  
Watanuki lowered his hand altogether and held his breath. Doumeki just watched him.  
  
It was awful. It was staring at the one and only thing he has ever wanted and could have had, but never will.  
  
Finally, Watanuki blurted out. "I'm sorry," he took a step backward, "I am so sorry, Shizuka."  
  
And then he walked away.  
  
Doumeki didn't go after him even though all he wanted to say was _'It's okay.'_  
  
He turned around and managed to catch a glimpse of the hem of Yuuko's butterfly-inspired kimono as it trailed after Watanuki.  
  
_'It's going to be okay, Kimihiro, because I love you.'_  
  
"Absolutely," Doumeki closed his eyes to stop the tears from coming. "And unshakably."  


 

**xXx**

 

  
  
It was Watanuki he chose to share himself with. He is and will always be the only one.  
  
But now there was Kohane Tsuyuri too, and Doumeki has known for some time now and with certainty that they have a sustainable connection. It could be enough. It should be enough. Their union will yield a progeny, one after another, who will all stay by Watanuki's side as long as it takes, as long as he couldn't die without seeing Yuuko again.  
  
That being said, Doumeki couldn't believe that he's sitting across Watanuki six years later, handing him their wedding invitation. Imprisoned in the wish-shop, Watanuki can never attend the actual ceremony, but Tsuyuri insisted on having Domeki deliver him one anyway. It was not just a symbolic gesture. It was a promise.  
  
From the future man and wife, to their lost love.  


**xXx**

  
  
  
  
Watanuki poured the two of them the oldest wine he could find in Yuuko's collection. It was a celebration, a beginning. Watanuki hardly has a reason to celebrate these days so he couldn't pass off the opportunity to warmly congratulate the birth of a union he very much approves of. On the flip side of that, something has to end too. _'It's fine,'_ he tells himself, _'everything dies.'_  
  
Well, not him. Not yet.  
  
Still, in the depths of his soul, there was a nagging protest. He tried to drown it as he swallowed every last drop of wine.  
  
_'Don't...'_ he could have said.  
  
He could have told Doumeki, _'Don't marry her.'_  
  
These are only words that mattered; the very same words that conveyed the things he had felt and continued to feel.  
  
_'Because I'm in love with you.'_  
  
He took another swig of the cup and tried not to look at Doumeki anymore.  
  
_'I've been in love with you long before I even knew that I was.'_  
  
But Watanuki didn't say any of that. It would be pointless and cruel to do so. Instead, he looked at his old friend again, and smiled another well-rehearsed one as he congratulated him for the great choice he made with Kohane.  
  
He looked at Doumeki for a while, his smile dimming a little as he did.  
  
It was awful. It was staring at the one and only thing he has ever wanted and could have had, but never will.  
  
Afterwards, as they continued to sit together in the wooden patio, drinks in hand, Watanuki noticed that his own cup is almost empty. But he didn’t feel he has to bother and ask Doumeki to pour him another drink.  
  
Across them was a garden of sunflowers. They were basking so beautifully even with only the moonlight touching their petals. Watanuki had planted them himself about two years ago. This garden reminded him of the same one back from the old nursery school that Doumeki used to work for. He was sure Doumeki must be remembering the same thing too, and that was comforting somehow.  
  
Silence filled the rest between them.  
  
It should be enough.

 

 

**THE END**

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why must I write such painful things? AND still keep writing them after finishing this one?
> 
> If you want a happy ending, there is an interconnected story that you can go check out entitled [Where soft places dwell and hard edges blister](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4571892). It's smut too so that should be fun. Still sad as fuck though because I'm an asshole.


End file.
